I have never cried so many tears of relief and fear at the same time. I’m Brittany, a 23 year old, single mother who was raised by an abusive heroin addict who did sick things to me. For some reason, I grew up ok though… Anyways, my whole life since I was little I felt that “I’m here for something” always. I remember. I dc what people say, I remember. Just something, I kept saying I’d figure out what one day. But for now I just knew I was here for something.
I was 7, 7 years old, all I remember is sitting in a booth at Sweet Tomatoes with my mom and grandma and the guy… this man, he worked there.. he came to me hysterical, crying.. he was slouched over. I’m not sure if he was on his knees or just bent. Darker skin, dark hair. All I remember him saying is “you’re one of them, you’re one of the angels, you can heal” .. I WAS SEVEN YEARS OLD EATING CHICKEN NOODLE SOUP WITH MY GRANDMA.. Let me tell you, I’m 23 now and have a hard time remembering what day it is. But I remember that image so vividly. And ever since that day I was curious about myself..
Well a lot happened after that until now. I fought for my life up until this day and probably will continue to but that’s the thing, I don’t understand WHY, why me? Why has it always been this way? I’m getting impatient, things don’t make sense, people don’t make sense, I don’t even make sense of my own self anymore. Life is not fucking right and I can’t stop it. But I have this sense of peace in me that my family has always advised as “the family’s peacemaker” or “monkey in the middle” cause when everyone hated each other, I NEVER CARED I JUST WANTED TO FUCKING BE HAPPY.
But,THAT WAS THE PROBLEM I felt everyone else’s feelings so if they were mad at me or someone else I felt the anger in my heart.. even my stomach. My life was a sick feeling, it still is. But I have a little girl watching me now.
And, no, I didn’t end up with a white fence as a stay at home mom, married to a business man. I struggle to get by with a roommate & no help from her father.
Not the point.
I’m tired of waiting to “find out what it is” I want to know what it is about me. Why me? What can I do? What gifts do I have? How do I use them? How do I take care of my mental state when I feel as if I have lived this life so many times that anything further that happens is so irrelevant to my beliefs. I feel as if I am not even living in my own world anymore. This is everyone else’s world. I don’t belong here.
My kind is loving, generous, understanding, heart felt, but brutally honest, bold and creative. Help me figure out what I am doing here, or how to get out.
Ps. I don’t know if this is related to anything, but aside from my intuition being impeccable, constantly finishing peoples sentences without realizing it, typically I’m the best one in the group to “predict” anything but I have an odd issue with electronics. Is this normal? I’ve gone through 4 warranty exchanges this year for my phones battery port suddenly burning out.
Don’t know if anyone will even read this but if you are THANK YOU SO MUCH. PLEASE HELP ME, I’m so tired of being curious and lost.
DUCHESS RESPONDS Hi Brittany. This may seem so simple it feels unreal…here’s what you do. Everyday, hopefully at the same time, find a quiet spot, with the phone, tv and any other thing that chatters turned OFF. The first week, everyday sit quietly for 15min. and focus on your breath… eyes can be closed. When your thoughts start to roam, bring your mind back to your breathing… you can set a small egg timer to go off when time is up. Or set your cell phone to gently buzz when the 15 mins. is up.
The second week add an additional 5 min….the third week add another 5 until you are meditating 30 minutes a day. This will quiet your mind…Indigos need quiet space to insulate ourselves a bit everyday from the vibrational energy around us…Please keep in touch. Namaste